bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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