Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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