I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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