census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
