I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Randomize
