apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
