Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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