just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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