I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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