this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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