he thought i was a dude.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
