im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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