i permit you to call me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
