Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You ruined the universe
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
