hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
