There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
