the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
