i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
