You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
