I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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