i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
