My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
