you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
