I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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