I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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