at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just puked most of my soul out..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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