bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
