Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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