I hate all girls vehemently.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
