Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
