she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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