I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
