I'm really into asian looking animals
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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