11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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