he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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