We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
