I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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