if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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