you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
