Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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