every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
