He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
