we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
