Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
