How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
