sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize