i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
