apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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