I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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