Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
