I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize