I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
