Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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