It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
