Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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