Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
