He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dear god my vagina.
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