My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
