he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
