how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
