Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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